If you could relive your life would you have still married your partner (Total 4279 Polls)

1. You I would of        32.44%
2. No I  wouldnt of     20.0%
3. I’m not sure            30.22%

If your partner found you having an affair would (Total 1617 Polls)

1. You have no idea what they would do 41.19%
2. Find your bags at the door 34.38%
3. You discuss it and try and find some resolution 18.43%
4. They not saying anything 6.00%

If You found the ideal perfect lover/soulmate would you (Total 2519 Polls)

1. Have no idea what I would I Would do 44.58%
2. Keep Everything The Same 38.15%
3. Consider Getting A Divorce 17.27%

How far would you travel to meet a lover reguarly? (Total 1367 polls)

1. Distance is not an issue 21.29%
2. Less than 50 miles 12.58%
3. Less than 20 miles 11.49%
4. Less than 30 miles 9.22%

Do You Think Attiudes Are Becoming More Liberal Regarding Affairs? (Total 5053 polls)

1. Yes They Are 61.23%
2. I Have No Idea 30.36%
3. Definatley Not 8.41%

Would You Share In Secret with Friends the fact you are having Affairs? (Total 1696 polls)

1. I Haven’t Had An Affair Yet And Would Not Say Anything 40.51%
2. I Have Had An Affair(s) And Would Not Say Anything 34.26%
3. I Dont Mind Discussing In Secret With Close Friends 21.4%
4. I’m In An Open Relationship And My Partner Knows 3.83%

How Many Affairs Have You Had? (Total 3063 polls)

1. I’m Looking For My First 55.17%
2. 1-3 27.42%
3. 3-6 5.94%
4. I’ve Lost Count 4.41%
5. I’m here for other reasons 4.21%

Why Are You Looking For An Affair? (Total 2053 polls)

1. I’m Bored But Don’t Want To Upset What I’ve Got 37.36%
2. I Have A Sexless Relationship But I’m Still Active 31.17%
3. I Like The Excitement Of What An Affair Offers 26.98%
4. I Have An Open Relationship 4.48%

What Are You Looking For In A Lover? (Total 1299 polls)

1. It’s The Whole Package That Interests Me 57.51%
2. I’m Only Interested In Sex 25.1%
3. Personality Is More Important 11.32%
4. Must Have Great Looks & Body 6.08%

What Age On Average Is Your Lover? (Total 1040 polls)

1. Age Is Unimportant 43.65%
2. 1 – 5 Years Younger 14.71%
3. 5 – 10 Years Younger 13.94%
4. 1 – 5 Years Older 11.44%
5. 5 – 10 Years Older 6.92%
6. 10 – 15 Years Younger 5%

What Excuse Would You Use To Go And See A lover? (Total 3392 polls)

1. I Will Be Working Late This Evening 31.52%
2. I’m Going Around To A friends 23.47%
3. I’m Going Out With Someone At The Office 16.69%
4. I’m Going On A Business Trip 15.92%

My grandmother was a trailblazer right from the get go.  She cycled everywhere when women of her station were driven, she worked when she didn’t have too and she made sure my mother and siblings had jobs at thirteen despite attending public school.  In other words she prized her independence, expected nothing without work and encouraged people to think outside the box.  She was dainty, well presented and thoroughly middle class in every way, but one.  My grandmother had an affair. Not the interim one nighters and brief sojourns of passion that I and many of you enjoy, but a real, full on, hot-blooded extra marital affair, with a work colleague of my grandfathers. 

I found out when clearing out her stuff.  She bravely (or riskly depending on your perspective) kept diaries of what she had been up to.  As clichéd as it may sound, they also corresponded by letter.  Letters from the forties and fifties were so different.  Restrained in many ways: no talk of f..ing and c.nts in my grandmother’s days, and yet somehow so much sexier than our modern communications.  Lengthy proclamations of passion and desire, talk of need and the merest hint of the pleasures to come – the imagination is the primary organ teased and both sides stop short of discussing the act, while openly declaring their intense longing for the touch of one another. 

Her diary talks of warm afternoons in bed with the gas fire burning in the corner, stolen weekends at seaside resorts and walking down the pier, hand in hand in the rain, safe in the knowledge that this weekend was theirs alone, free of the constraints of their responsibilities.  The funny thing is, that time doesn’t change that much.  She never had any intention of leaving my grandfather, although it would appear she wished she had met her lover earlier on.  In those days women were expected and Nana was no different, although I believe a later era would have seen her turn her back on convention and live in sin, rather than duty and without passion.

Their affair, like so many ended in heartbreak when my grandfather returned from Asia, where he had been working and my grandmother called it off, to protect her children from the scandal were her activities to be discovered.  The heartbreak she felt at making such a choice was palpable through her words even six decades after the event and even my modern woman’s heart really yearned to know what it means to feel so much passion and such depth of emotion.

There is an intense elegance to the prose and no hiding of the emotions that makes me wonder if the technological age and advent of sexual liberation, rather than granting immeasurable pleasures and anything our hearts, or more like groins desire, has somehow suppressed our imaginations and capacity for true pleasure and depth of emotion.  The bittersweet pain of waiting for letters to arrive, visits snatched rarely and nothing but the imagination to tease and taunt during the times when you couldn’t see your lover must have heightened everything to such a fever pitch that it astounds me illicit assignations (as they were called in their day) ever consisted of more than a brief greeting before partners got down to business.

So, this month I am honouring my nana in a different way.  With passion not spent in the arms of a temporary partner, but with some time spent reading some of my old favourite bodice rippers and classic tales of love and loss.  Sexy escapism of a different sort, with the hope that some of that frustrated desire may invade my own existence one day soon……….

You often see it on female orientated chat rooms.  Women talking about at length about how they no longer feel the need to do the horizontal rumba with their spouses and long-term partners.  The drive just somehow seems to disappear behind the weight of endless washing rounds, nappy changes and domestic routine.  Slowly, as the woman turns into “mother” and “wife” more and more of the individual seems to slip away, until the woman no longer feels the need to partner physically with her partner. At this point often she will begin to worry that her man will seek his thrills elsewhere, or force herself into a once a week duty “fxxk” purely so she feels her marital commitments have been met.

To me this always seemed slightly sad.  A woman’s sexuality is so often tied into her mental state and the women in question never quite seem to realise that if they want to feel sexual again, they also need to feel like themselves. Let’s be honest girls, there is nothing sexy about fairy liquid and smelly socks now is there. A lunch with the girls every now and then, or a lipstick in a sultry shade of scarlet however can go a long way to making us feel like woman and not just automatons, capable of passion and desire on a par with the very best man-eater.

What is not talked about so often is when the desire lost is not on the side of the woman.  When a man who has never been hugely devoted to the pursuit of the carnal arts, what does the wife do.  Dress up like a slut?  Pander to his whims and offer him the sexual act of his choosing?  Get him drunk? It is so often assumed that men want it on tap and have to barter with their reluctant wives for their marital rights that the idea of a man just “not feeling like it” is rarely heard of and even less respected.

And yet, for me, this is my marriage. What started slowly has, over the year trailed away to once a month at best.  When you have a huge sex drive like me, this is a problem.  Over the years I have tried everything, from naughty nurse’s outfits to begging hubbie to visit the doctors.  Nothing has changed it.  He just isn’t very sexual.  The result of this is a gradual eroding of the feeling of being wanted.

No amount of money or compliments can change the feeling of utter despondency sexual rejection at the hands of the person you love can create.  My husband refuses to visit a doctor to talk about this problem and on more than one occasion attempted to make me feel guilty for wanting to be intimate with him more than once in the month.  He is not gay, loves me dearly and wants my happiness.  He just cannot be bothered with sex.

For years this made me feel as though I were doing something very wrong.  Nowadays I am just very aware of the fact that contrary to being a partners fault (breathe deeply this may be controversial) sexuality is OUR responsibility as individuals.  We need to make time to be physical, not just with our partners but with ourselves.  A relationship without sex is called friendship and whilst that has its place in a marriage, very often lack of intimacy will make one person very unhappy.  To keep a marriage on track you either need to work on your drive or accept that you have different drives and be able to allow your partner what you want for yourself – the right to choose how much sex they have and when.  This may well be with someone else.  Don’t like it? Do something about it. I appreciate my stance may be militant but it is the entire truth.

So what dear reader, do I do.  Well as you know I love my husband and don’t want to leave him so this month, with lover away, I have been very busy on our favourite illicit dating site. Fantasy, introductions and the promise of something new in my stockings very soon…..you shall have to excuse me, I need a cold shower…

Have a great December readers and I will see you all in the New Year!!

As you will all be aware, last week was Halloween, which just happens to be one of my absolute favourite yearly festivals.  I love the dressing up, changing of faces and spooky (slightly slutty if we are honest) costumes available.  Every year a friend has a huge Halloween bash and everyone competes to look like a glam witch or cat or whatever takes our fancy.

This year, seeing all my friends transformed, some for the better, some not so much, I got to thinking.  What is it about the murky dark side of life that brings out the sexual and desire to be a bit “underworld” in so many, otherwise very conservative women.

The Twilight phenomena, Vampire Diaries (Damon anyone – oh I would), Trueblood, Interview with a vampire, the list of films focussing on creatures that are in anyone’s mind a terrifying predator with an intensely sexual edge is endless.  Since Hollywood’s inception film after film and prior to that book after book have been filled with tales of lonely heart undead creatures just looking for a good meal and a good woman, with a pulse. 

Is it women’s desire to tame a bad man (or girl in Kate Beckinsdales case) and see the good even in the very worst?  Is it a secret desire to walk on the wild side and risk our lives?  Or even the romance and  mystery of a never ending life that thrills our mortal hearts so intensely.  Whatever it is it works for me and most of my friends. 

At around the thirty mark (ahem) I should be immune to fantasies of a dark and supernatural world and yet every time it gets me hot and flustered and interestingly feeling my most alive. Hence the reason for me making lover get a little bitey at our last meeting.  There is nothing like a little role play to really get your heart pounding and whether or not you follow my beliefs about infidelity, I definitely don’t think taking this time of year as an opportunity to explore your darker side in a safe environment will do anyone any harm.

If your partner found you having an affair would  (Total 1199 Polls)

1. You have no idea what they would do                       41.37%
2. Find your bags at the door                                      35.45%
3. You discuss it and try and find some resolution    18.18%
4. They not saying anything                                         5.00%

 If  You found the ideal perfect lover/soulmate would you  (Total 1938 Polls)  

1. Have no idea  what I would I Would do  45.67%
2. Keep Everything The Same                          38.44%
3. Consider Getting A Divorce                         15.89%

How far would you travel to meet a lover reguarly? (Total 1161 polls)

1. Distance is not an issue 21.71%
2. Less than 50 miles         12.23%
3. Less than 20 miles         11.2%
4. Less than 30 miles         9.56%

Do You Think Attiudes Are Becoming More Liberal Regarding Affairs? (Total 4715 polls)

1. Yes They Are        61.02%
2. I Have No Idea     30.92%
3. Definatley Not         8.06%

Would You Share In Secret with Friends the fact you are having Affairs? (Total 1476 polls)

1. I Haven’t Had An Affair Yet And Would Not Say Anything          40.45%
2.  I Have Had An Affair(s) And Would Not Say Anything        33.74%
3. I Dont Mind Discussing In Secret With Close Friends                    22.15%
4. I’m In An Open Relationship And My Partner Knows                      3.66%

How Many Affairs Have You Had? (Total 2927 polls)

1. I’m Looking For My First         55.65%
2. 1-3                                    27.23%
3. 3-6                                      5.84%
4. I’ve Lost Count                      4.41%
5. I’m here for other reasons        4.13%

Why Are You Looking For An Affair? (Total 1913 polls)

1. I’m Bored But Don’t Want To Upset What I’ve Got     38.00% 
2. I Have A Sexless Relationship But I’m Still Active    30.68%
3. I Like The Excitement Of What An Affair Offers         27.03
4. I Have An Open Relationship                                   4.29%

What Are You Looking For In A Lover? (Total 1154 polls)

1. It’s The Whole Package That Interests Me        56.15%
2. I’m Only Interested In Sex                              25.39%
3. Personality Is More Important                          11.96%
4. Must Have Great Looks & Body                   6.50%

What Age On Average Is Your Lover? (Total 874 polls)

1. Age Is Unimportant                44.05%
2. 1 – 5 Years Younger              14.76%
3. 5 – 10 Years Younger             13.62%
4. 1 – 5 Years Older                   12.24%
5. 5 – 10 Years Older                   7.09%
6. 10 – 15 Years Younger            4.46%

What Excuse Would You Use To Go And See A lover? (Total 3102 polls)

1. I Will Be Working Late This Evening               31.56%
2. I’m Going Around To A friends                         23.31%
3. I’m Going Out With Someone At The Office   16.63%
4. I’m Going On A Business Trip                           15.60%

Inside, you will find a somewhat different story, as this house is the venue for a fairly well know group of “swingers”.  Each year the couple who own the house throw a large and well advertised get together for couples and individuals, interested in walking the slightly less than monogamous line of relationships.  There are rules of course and you normally have to be “invited” by a member. 

I happened to meet a “member” through one of the sites (you know which one!) I use to meet people like myself and was invited to a bash at the house.  Obviously sans husband, so I asked if lover would like to attend with me, which he was delighted to confirm.  I must admit I was REALLY dubious about this. I know I said I would try anything once but visions of ninety seventies key swapping and middle aged men portly bellies constantly invaded my thoughts, so my plan was at least if lover was there, I could indulge in some show off sex with him in one of the playrooms.

I spent at least a week planning what (not) to wear, hours at the salon and the gym and I am inordinately glad I had a girlfriend’s birthday party the following day or husband would be infinitely suspicious by now about my sudden attention to the details of my appearance.

We turned up on the night of the party and I must admit to being pleasantly surprised.  There were a couple of middle aged couples in thongs but on the whole the people there were well spoken, well dressed, reasonably attractive (in one or two cases very), polite and thoroughly normal.  Even I was surprised at how easily I had developed my own preconceived notions – why wouldn’t someone attending these events be just like me – after all I was there.

The night was a resounding success – there is something infinitely indulgent about swapping and sharing and watching someone you have fucked, enjoying someone else, with NO feelings of guilt or shame and after all, it has been going on since the ancient Greeks.  If it was good enough for Spartacus (the actor playing him at the moment is also playing lead role in my naughty dreams at the moment too) then it is certainly fine for me!   

I stopped the party sometime around midnight (no pumpkin turning for me), showered before heading home and snuck into to bed with my partner, before drifting off to sleep dreaming of the very pretty blonde lover and I shared earlier that night……roll on next year!

I will be studying cookery – -mmmmmmmm, so expect a number of future columns to include a. Mentions of hot young men wandering around the uni campus. b. Mentions of inventive ways to use a kitchen! This visit down memory lane has led to some, ahem, interesting developments with both my husband and lover. Husband is smacking his lips with glee at the prospect of good home cooking, filling meals and adventurous new menu choices, although he doesn’t quite get why I want to go anywhere near a place of education. His own schooling consisted of frequent head flushing in the toilet and being the last picked for games, which I suspect is strongly behind his intense motivation to be Mr. Smiley and Popular these days.

At home though I am the ultimate “fifties” mum. I take an almost visceral pleasure in the sight of my family and friends enjoying food prepared lovingly by my own fair hands so this excitement at the prospect of some nurturing suits the part of me that loves the bones of my family and enjoys homemaking and baking. Lover is infinitely more enticed by the prospect of school uniforms, naughty schoolgirls and using new food considerably more imaginatively than anything I will learn in class! Again this suits me. Little whips, tiny kilts and a darned good spanking for disobeying sir – hell yes I love the start of term.

Once again it amazes me how easily though I slip into both roles. One minute I am happily bent over a table at my lovers, hands bound by my school tie and then just half an hour later, talking batters and biscuits with my kids, whilst finishing their homework. Perhaps in a slightly twisted way I am using that ability that all women have, to compartmentalise and change personalities according to environments, or perhaps I am just a very greedy girl…..

So our advise is stay clear of them – they will only take your hard earned money for little value and premote loveisthebug. You can twitter,blogs,facebook,youtube and of course good old fashioned word of mouth.

We are destroying our society and this is chiefly due to gender conflict. Men trying to retain control and Women trying to take control. This is not the way.

 We must become more aware of the differences between “Equality” and “The same”. We are not the same and the more we try, the more we are destroying our own chances of happiness. We must learn once more to respect one another, acknowledging and appreciating the different skills the other possesses. If we have identical skills the probability of a successful relationship is greatly reduced. Nature has given Men and Women different but complementary strengths and skills and the more we deny them and attempt to imitate others, the worse the situation will become. Rejoice in yourself. We exist to complement each other. Stop arguing about who is in charge and get on with living. Relearn the joy of companionship, a companion to walk the road of life, or a part of it. Be proud of your gender and flaunt it. Be proud of the opposite gender for with them as team mate, your life will be far more.
So, when you search for a relationship, search for a team mate, a lover, a friend, to walk with and damned be they whose selfishness and desire for conflict means they treat their opposites with distain. Ignore them and find someone to appreciate who appreciates you and your sex.

Loveisthebug member:  Thomas O Malley

August 2008

the site was great, I had several offers and have met someone through there, many thanks

Lorna1978

just a quick note to say thank you !!!  im seperated but did not want a man in my life full time , so looking after anothers husband ticked my box !!! i wanted to become a mistress and not a wife !!! have found a man thanks to you who has all i need and im sure his wife will find a happier husband now i am taking care of his needs x

thanks again

blonde